“Did it spill again?”, “Don’t disturb us, the adults are talking”, “Nothing happened”
Have you ever said similar words to a child? Or maybe you heard them as a child from your parents? Although they seem innocent—especially when said in a hurry or with irritation—they stay with a child for a long time. Because words do not only describe reality. Words create it.
A small child learns about the world through relationships with loved ones. He hears us talking about him and… starts to believe it. If he constantly hears that he is “grumpy”, “always interrupts” or “doesn’t understand anything”, he doesn’t treat it as a passing comment. For a child, it becomes the truth about himself.
Self-esteem doesn’t just happen. It’s built every day, piece by piece—through experiences, emotions, but also words, which are like building blocks: they can strengthen the foundations or crumble them before they’re even well formed.
Bad words – good intentions?
Parents and guardians do not want to intentionally hurt their children. Sometimes, all that is missing is awareness of how important the messages we use are. Here are some examples of sentences that seem neutral but can actually be debilitating—and suggestions on how to say them differently:
- “Don’t cry, nothing happened.” “I can see you’re sad. Do you want a hug?”
- “You’re rude!” “What you did was hard for others. Let’s talk about it.”
- “Stop whining.” “I hear you’re tired, what can we do about it?”
- “Look how Zosia is doing, how about you?” “Everyone learns at their own pace. I can see you’re trying – do you want me to help you?”
What we say doesn’t just describe a child’s behavior—it defines their self-image. Instead of stating who they are, it’s better to describe what they’ve done and give them space to change. This is the difference between a label and support.
Why is self-esteem so important?
- takes on challenges despite the risk of failure,
- trusts themselves and their intuition,
- knows they are loved regardless of their mistakes,
- can set boundaries,
- copes better with criticism.
That doesn’t mean he always gets it right. But it does mean he believes he has the right to try.
- gives up easily,
- often compares themselves to others and feels inferior,
- tries to earn love instead of feeling it,
- hides their needs or reacts with anger when they don’t feel enough.
In the daily rush, it is worth stopping and checking: what language do we speak to children? Do our words build their inner strength? Do we show that they are important, valuable and seen?
Sometimes just one sentence is enough to instill in a child the belief that “I am enough just the way I am”:
- “I like spending time with you.”
- “I believe you can do it.”
- “I can see you’re trying—that’s really important.”
- “Your feelings are important to me.”
- “Anyone can make mistakes. The fact that you’re trying is great.”
We don’t have to be perfect. We just have to be careful. Words have power. They can be the first building blocks of self-love in children. And although it’s not always possible to take back a sentence you’ve said, you can always say a new one—one that will heal, strengthen and show that your child is important to you. Always.